Bible Prophecies: Fulfilled or Fail? (Part 2 of 4)

hugh ross reasons to believe bible prophecyHugh Ross of Reasons to Believe (an old-earth Creationist ministry) claims that the Bible has thousands of fulfilled prophecies, and he gives us his top 13. Keep in mind that Ross has a doctorate in physics, so he’s no dummy … well, at least not in physics.
Let’s continue (part 1 here).
4. Psalms and Zechariah both predicted the execution of Jesus. They described the crucifixion and correctly stated that no bones would be broken (not true of many crucifixions).
Ross gives three Old Testament references.

  • “[Yahweh] protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken” (Psalm 34:20). This is a psalm of praise, and one of the many good things God does is protect his favored people from injury. How is this a prophecy, let alone a flawless prophecy of the crucifixion, resurrection, and atonement of Jesus?
  • “They will look on me [that is, God], the one they have pierced, and they will mourn for him as one mourns for an only child, and grieve bitterly for him as one grieves for a firstborn son” (Zechariah 12:10). In this chapter, God is listing what he will do to protect Judah from enemies. The only suggestion of the passion narrative is the word “pierced.”
  • Psalm 22 is the final citation. I’ve discussed that in detail, but in brief, Psalm 22 is about the woes of Israel, portrayed metaphorically as an abused man. There are as many elements of the psalm that can’t be shoehorned into the crucifixion narrative as there are parallels, hardly what we’d expect from the “100% accurate” prophecy of a god.

It’s ridiculous to imagine that these feeble connections to the Jesus story are anything but imagined, especially when Ross claims that the chance of the Bible saying what it does in this instance without this being a fulfilled prophecy is 1/1013. Where is the resurrection? Where is the explanation for Jesus’s sacrifice?
5. Isaiah predicted that Cyrus would destroy unassailable Babylon and free the Jewish exiles. “Isaiah made this prophecy 150 years before Cyrus was born, 180 years before Cyrus performed any of these feats (and he did, eventually, perform them all), and 80 years before the Jews were taken into exile.”
Ross cites three verses from Isaiah (44:28, 45:1, and 45:13) in which God declares that Cyrus is his anointed, who he will help to “subdue nations”; Cyrus will command that Jerusalem be rebuilt; and Cyrus will set free the Jewish exiles held in Babylon without demanding a ransom.
These verses are so glowing and accurate that it’s almost like Cyrus became the champion of the Jews and then they honored him (and gave the credit to God) by writing this account. And that’s indeed what almost surely happened. Isaiah the prophet lived in the mid- to late-eighth century BCE, though he only wrote the first 39 chapters. Chapters 40–55 were written after the destruction of Jerusalem in 586 BCE, and the final compilation of the book was only finished around 70 BCE.



See also: 8 Tests for Accurate Prophecy and Why Bible Prophecies Fail


6. Babylon was said to be indestructible, and yet both Isaiah and Jeremiah accurately predicted its ruin. To see why Babylon was considered so formidable, just look at its size. It was 196 miles square and enclosed by a double wall, each of which was 330 feet high and 90 feet thick. “These prophets further claimed that the ruins would be avoided by travelers, that the city would never again be inhabited, and that its stones would not even be moved for use as building material.”
Let’s pause and consider the size of these fortifications. Take Paris’s Arc de Triomphe, and stack another on top. That’s roughly the height and thickness of this wall. Now make it 196 miles long, and then make a second identical wall. That would be a big construction project now, and this was the sixth century BCE.
Wikipedia gives Babylon’s maximum area at 2200 acres, which could be enclosed by a wall just seven miles in circumference. We actually have several contemporary estimates of the size of Babylon’s fortifications, some far more modest than the dimensions Ross cites.
Ross can’t be faulted for inaccurate reporting from ancient historians, but he can be for highlighting data he likes without even acknowledging that contradicting evidence.
Ross points us to Isaiah 13:17–22, which does indeed declare that God will overthrow Babylon and that Babylon “will never be inhabited or lived in through all generations.” Jeremiah 51:26 and :43 repeat that Babylon will be “desolate forever.” But, once again, when we read the verses closely, we find that Ross hasn’t told us the whole story.

  • God will destroy Babylon “like Sodom and Gomorrah” (Isaiah 13:19). Unlike prophecy #5, there is no mention of God using Cyrus as his tool. God will personally destroy it in the Sodom-and-Gomorrah fashion, that is, with fire and brimstone.
  • It also states that on this terrible day when God opens his can of whoop-ass on Babylon, “The rising sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light” (Is. 13:10), and the land will be made desolate and the sinners destroyed. “I [God] will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins.” The destruction of Babylon is highlighted, but this is just a part of a worldwide (or at least regional) judgment.
  • When will all this happen? Isaiah 13:22 tells us: “[Babylon’s] time is at hand, and her days will not be prolonged.” But if Isaiah wrote this part of the book before 700 BCE and Cyrus took Babylon in 539 BCE, Ross must explain the delay.
  • Jeremiah 51 also makes this bold prediction: “The sea will rise over Babylon; its roaring waves will cover her.” Didn’t happen. Babylon is hundreds of miles from the sea and about 35 meters above sea level. Ross could argue that this was hyperbole, but to maintain his claim that “the Bible is 100% without error,” he enters dangerous territory. He has given himself permission to decide himself what’s literal and what’s figurative.
  • Both Isaiah and Jeremiah were edited after Cyrus, so they’re not even reliable historical accounts.
  • Babylon would never again be inhabited? Wrong again. Cyrus didn’t destroy Babylon but used the city, as did the next king, Darius the Great. The New Testament even refers to “The church that is at Babylon” (1 Peter 5:13).

Six prophecies down and seven to go—who’s optimistic that they’ll get any better?
Continued in part 3.

Every cake is a miraculous fulfillment
of a prophecy called a recipe.
— commenter RichardSRussell

Image credit: Wikimedia, public domain

Bible Prophecies: Fulfilled or Fail?

hugh ross reasons to believe bible prophecyReasons to Believe is an old-earth Creationist ministry that claims that science supports the Bible and that “the Bible is 100% without error.” Hugh Ross, the founder, gives us 13 of what he says are thousands of biblical prophecies in “Fulfilled Prophecy: Evidence for the Reliability of the Bible.”
Let’s see how lucky number 13 is for Dr. Ross.
He begins:

Approximately 2,500 prophecies appear in the pages of the Bible, about 2,000 of which already have been fulfilled to the letter—no errors….
Since the probability for any one of these prophecies having been fulfilled by chance averages less than one in ten (figured very conservatively) and since the prophecies are for the most part independent of one another, the odds for all these prophecies having been fulfilled by chance without error is less than one in 102000.

I love it when apologists rely on volume over accuracy. (“Okay, I know that most of these UFO reports are crap, but if we say that each has just a one percent chance of being accurate, when you consider the enormous number of them, this is very strong evidence!”) Uh huh. Does that make astrology accurate, too?
Ross again:

The acid test for identifying a prophet of God is recorded by Moses in Deuteronomy 18:21–22. According to this Bible passage (and others), God’s prophets, as distinct from Satan’s spokesmen [mediums and clairvoyants such as Jeanne Dixon or Edgar Cayce], are 100 percent accurate in their predictions. There is no room for error.

I notice that Ross didn’t quote one verse before, which demands death for any false prophet. He’s claiming that all of his prophecies came true perfectly, so consider the upcoming critique to see how he does. Ross says that there is “no room for error”? We’ll return to that claim uncomfortably often to check.
1. The book of Daniel predicts the crucifixion of Jesus. Daniel predicted that the Messiah would begin his public ministry 483 years after the decree to rebuild Jerusalem, that the Messiah would be killed, and that the second destruction of Jerusalem would follow. “Abundant documentation shows that these prophecies were perfectly fulfilled in the life (and crucifixion) of Jesus Christ.”
“Probability of chance fulfillment = 1 in 105.”
I’ve written at length about the various interpretations of Daniel. Christians have several, so Ross would get pushback from other Christians who believe in a contradictory interpretation.
I’ll let that earlier post discuss the details of what Daniel says, but note that the Bible doesn’t record a decree to rebuild Jerusalem, it records four of them.* Apologists pick the one that best serves their calculations and hope no one notices the others.
The interpretation that best fits the facts has the book written, not by Daniel in the sixth century BCE, but by an unknown author around 167 BCE. The atonement and the end of the world was expected in about 164 BCE. (More.)
I would say more about the probabilities assigned to each individual prophecy, but there’s not much to say. Ross justifies these values with little more than that they come “from a group of secular research scientists.” Presumably, Ross wants the fact that they’re not Christian to show that they’re objective, but without their work, we have nothing to evaluate.
How would you even assign a probability to this one given that there’s a plausible and completely natural explanation? There was no fulfilled prophecy, so the calculation is meaningless.
2. The prophet Micah names Bethlehem as the birthplace of the Messiah.
Matthew 2 says that Jesus was born in Bethlehem and cites the relevant verses in Micah 5 as prophecy. But since Matthew had read this “prophecy,” this makes him an unreliable source to report the fulfillment of that prophecy.
There is even a scholarly term for this error, vaticinia ex eventu, which means “prophecy after the event.” It’s revealing that historians needed such a term. This is the kind of error that Christians would spot in an instant in a claim from another religion, and yet Christians like Ross either don’t notice or have a different standard for their religion’s prophecies.
Ross is right that Micah refers to Bethlehem as the birthplace of someone important:

Though you [Bethlehem] are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel. (Micah 5:2)

However, we must read it in context. Micah was written when Assyria was attacking both Israel and Judea. This “ruler” would be the one to lead the fight against the invaders:

He will deliver us from the Assyrians when they invade our land.… Your hand will be lifted up in triumph over your enemies, and all your foes will be destroyed. (Micah 5:6–9)

Does this sound like any part of the gospel story? You still want to pretend that this “ruler over Israel” is Jesus?
This “prophecy” is also given a probability of chance fulfillment of 1/105, which is ridiculous when the natural explanation is obvious and the supernatural explanation doesn’t even fit.
 



See also: What Makes a Good Prophecy (and Why Bible Prophecies Aren’t)


 
3. Zechariah predicts that “the Messiah would be betrayed for the price of a slave—thirty pieces of silver.” The prophecy is fulfilled when Matthew records that very payment made to Judas the traitor.
Actually, Zechariah 11:12–13 laments that God is unappreciated by the people of Israel. There is nothing about a Messiah or betrayal. And then when Matthew 27:3–10 attempts to connect the Judas/30-pieces-of-silver story with the prophecy, it gets the prophet wrong and names Jeremiah instead. (So much for the Bible being 100% without error, as Ross claims.)
Zechariah refers to a potter, not a potter’s field; nevertheless, Ross sees that as an important parallel between Zechariah and Matthew. But when you look at the two stories of the last hours of Judas (Acts 1:18–19 vs. Matthew 27:4–8), you see that they’re incompatible.

  • Who possessed and spent the thirty pieces of silver? Acts says that Judas bought a field with the money. Matthew says that Judas returned the money to the priests, which they declared tainted, and they bought the field.
  • How did Judas die? Acts says that he died from a fall, while Matthew says that he hanged himself.
  • There is a “Field of Blood” in both stories. Why was it named that? In Acts, it was named this because Judas fell and died in it. In Matthew, it was because it was bought with the blood money.

The probability given here is 1/1011, which is ridiculous when, yet again, this is a prophecy after the fact and the claimed connection simply isn’t there.
Ross said that Bible prophecies have “no room for error.” That’s a good criterion, but in that case, these are not Bible prophecies.
Continued in part 2.

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
— George Carlin

* The Old Testament has four decrees for the rebuilding of Jerusalem, each with a different date (Ross’s calculations use the third one):

  • Decree of Cyrus: 538–536 BCE (2 Chronicles 36:22–3)
  • Decree of Darius Hystaspes: 521 BCE (Ezra 6:6–12)
  • Decree of Artaxerxes to Ezra: 458 BCE (Ezra 7:11–26)
  • Decree of Artaxerxes to Nehemiah: 444 BCE (Nehemiah 2:1–8)

Image credit: Modern Event Preparedness, flickr, CC

My Visit to Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park

Speaker’s Corner Hyde Park
On a recent vacation in London, I visited Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. I expected to see men lined up with a sign advertising their position and maybe standing on a step stool, speaking to a stationary audience or just to passersby. I imagined the speaker delivering a monologue or sermon, interrupted occasionally by a comment or question (which he’d answer) or a heckling remark (which he’d talk over). I expected discussions of current political or social topics or Christianity.
That’s not what I saw. There were about two hundred people, all men, all speaking Arabic, and presumably all debating facets of Islam. Conversations were often spirited, but all seemed polite. I saw no police, and I understand they only come in response to complaints. (Keep in mind, though, that this is just what I saw on Sunday evening a week ago, and your mileage may vary.)
After walking around a bit, it looked like I wouldn’t find any debate to engage me, but that turned out to be premature.
Speaker’s Corner Hyde Park
This photo shows the same northeast corner of Hyde Park as the map view above. (People gather to speak on the wide walkway in the park, not in the middle of the trees as the image suggests.)
I did find some interesting atheists who seemed, like me, to be more interested in the rare Christian discussion. One of the atheist regulars videoed me engaged with regular participant Adnan Rashid, a Muslim. (I don’t see the video as especially informative, but I include it for completeness.)
As an aside, Adnan made several claims: thirty percent of Africans taken to the U.S. as slaves were Muslim (source: Servants of Allah by Sylviane Diouf), and Islam is the fastest growing religion in the U.S. I haven’t fact checked either claim.
He made another claim that evening that doesn’t hold up. He said that this kind of open public debate was something that would be typical in cities in any Muslim country, though that’s not what the International Humanists and Ethical Union’s “Freedom of Thought Report 2015” says. It lists twelve countries for which blasphemy or apostasy are punishable by death, including Adnan’s own birthplace of Pakistan.
But the specifics of my conversation aren’t the point. Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, George Orwell, Marcus Garvey, and others reportedly have spoken at Speaker’s Corner. Though I only had a couple of hours to chat, it was a thrill to be there.

Everyone has the right to believe anything they want.
And everyone else has the right to find it fucking ridiculous.
— Ricky Gervais

Credit for images: Google Maps

Armageddon Within Our Lifetime?

Armageddon BibleWe live in strange times. 41 percent of Americans say that Jesus will definitely or probably return by 2050, and 38 percent believe that natural disasters are signs from God. For white evangelicals, those fractions are 58 percent and 59 percent, respectively.
What accounts for this fascination with the end times? Dr. Robert Price commented on one element of popular culture, the Left Behind novels that wallow in the horror of a post-rapture world. Price sees this as Christian porn. Fans of the series can read in those novels what they’d like to read in the newspaper. They’re eager for Armageddon, and they see themselves as the good guy in the book.
Crying wolf
A larger factor that fuels this anxiety is Christian personalities who point to every bit of bad news as evidence that things are going to hell and that Armageddon is around the corner. These guys never met a natural disaster they didn’t like. Jerry Falwell wondered “whether the crisis in the Middle East is actually a prelude to the end of the world.” Glenn Beck said that the recent story of a Syrian rebel eating a human heart is a sign of the end times. Pat Robertson said that the 5.8 magnitude Virginia earthquake of 2011 was another sign. Oh, and security cameras, too.
Jesus gave this advice about the end times:

When you hear of wars and uprisings, do not be frightened. … Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places. (Luke 21:9–11)

The gospel of Mark adds that these signs are “the beginning of birth pains.”
The Pat Robertsons of the world will ask, Do you hear about wars and earthquakes in the news? Well there you go—that matches what the Bible predicted. What more evidence do you need? And if you say that there have always been wars and earthquakes, they quote 2 Peter 3:3, “In the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires.” John Hagee interpreted this immunity to the facts: “The very fact that you don’t believe [Jesus] is coming is proof positive he’s on the way!”
But let’s return to reason. For this prophecy to stand out, it can’t be referring simply to disasters, because there’s always a baseline amount of war and natural disasters. It’s about a substantial increase of those things, and we’re not seeing that today.
War, earthquake, famine, and pestilence, oh my!
First, let’s put to rest worries about increasing pestilence. Science has made gains against disease that would have been inconceivable just a few centuries ago. Sewer and clean water systems, vaccines, and antibiotics have altered life dramatically in much of the world, no thanks to God. Smallpox, killer of half a billion people in the 20th century alone, is only a memory, and polio and guinea worm may soon be gone as well. While cancer and influenza still exist, we’ve made great progress against them. The trend is positive here.
Famines in India and China killed millions of people a century ago. Food distribution isn’t perfect today, but modern technology has increased crop yields so that widespread famine is almost impossible. (More on the relative value of magic vs. technology here.)
As for natural disasters like earthquakes, we can’t control them, but for many, we have advanced warning. The Galveston Hurricane of 1900, which caught the city off guard and killed perhaps 10,000 people, could not happen today. We also have warnings for tornadoes and tsunamis.
Famously wrong end-times prophet Hal Lindsey said, “To the skeptic who says that Christ is not coming soon, I would ask him to put the book of Revelation in one hand, and the daily newspaper in the other, and then sincerely ask God to show him where we are on His prophetic time-clock.” Like Harold Camping, or John Hagee, some people just won’t look at the facts and realize that they predict the future no better than a palm reader.
 (What about war? I discuss Steven Pinker’s surprising conclusions about violence in Part 2.)

If you listen closely 
you can hear the footstep of Messiah 
shuffling through the clouds of heaven.
— John Hagee

(This is an update of a post that originally appeared 7/10/13.)
Photo credit: Amazon

A God-Created World Would Look Like a ’60s Family Sitcom

God Jesus sitcom“You’re so smart?” the Christian apologist says. “You think you can read God’s mind? Then tell us what life on earth should look like if God created it.”
I’m glad you asked. If an omnipotent and all-loving god created human life here on earth as a way to develop us into better people who would deserve eternity in heaven, our world would look like “Leave It to Beaver.”
“Leave It to Beaver” was a popular American sitcom that originally aired 1957–1963. It showed the adventures of Beaver Cleaver (to the right in the photo above, with his TV parents and older brother Wally).
Who graduates from God’s classroom?
First, let’s view life from the Christian perspective. Jesus makes clear that few will make it to heaven.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Matthew 7:13–14)

Making it through that small gate is our purpose in life. I’ve heard Christians give different metaphors for our world. God made a challenging life on earth as a test to see which people are made of the right stuff. Or it’s a proving ground where the good souls get a chance to prove their worth. Or a crucible where the dross burns away to improve our character and prepare us for heaven.
But let’s imagine life as a classroom. God apparently is so poor a teacher that he only graduates a few of his students.
If you were the president of a college, you might think that if 80 percent of the freshmen graduate, that’s a decent fraction. It’s too bad about the rest, but it’s not possible to make that fraction zero. But God could. God would know exactly what the problems were and how to fix them. Is it a lack of motivation? A lack of funds? Classes not relevant or interesting enough? With God in control, he could create colleges with a 100 percent graduation rate.
God isn’t president of an ordinary college; he’s president of the Ultimate College—life. What fraction of people graduate from God’s college into heaven? Not even half.
Is this the best of all possible worlds?
Eighteenth-century German polymath Gottfried Leibniz argued that this must be the best of all possible worlds. How could God allow all the bad that we see in the world—famine, plague, violence, and so on? Leibniz simply assumed that God would give us the best of all possible worlds, that God couldn’t improve one part without making the overall worse. QED.
This is the Hypothetical God Fallacy—assuming God exists and then (surprise!) it all falls into place, with us unable to critique God’s super-smart plan.
Let’s respond to Leibniz. God can’t make things better than what we have now? Let me suggest some ideas.
Tips for God
Here’s how an omnipotent and all-loving God could better organize life. I propose a world with a 100 percent graduation rate where everyone gets into heaven. It would be a world with gentle correction for errors, like in “Leave It to Beaver.”
To see what that world would look like, here are some of the plot summaries from that sitcom:

  • Beaver and Wally are in charge of the neighbor’s cat, but then a dog chases it away (“Cat Out of the Bag”).
  • Beaver discovers his old teddy bear and reluctantly discards him after his father and brother tell him he’s too old for dolls. Beaver changes his mind, but he’s too late to save it before the garbage truck comes. He tries to get it back (“Beaver’s Old Friend”).
  • Beaver is scheduled to receive an award at school and argues with his parents about whether he needs to wear a jacket and tie (“Beaver’s Football Award”).
  • Beaver must write a book report on The Three Musketeers and decides to watch the movie on TV instead of reading the book (“The Book Report”).
  • Beaver and a friend are in charge of the class cookie fund, but another student steals three dollars (“The Cookie Fund”).
  • Beaver rips his suit pants and lies about it. He’s scolded for the lie and then tells the truth when he rips the pants of his other suit, but his parents won’t believe him (“Beaver’s Bad Day”).

There are 234 episodes. In each, the stakes are low, and there is learning at the end. Beaver gets a little wiser as he’s gently nudged toward adulthood. Not everyone reaches their goals in each episode, but nothing particularly bad happens. Sure, embarrassment during a date or punishment after a mistake is traumatic, but it’s not cancer. Things are black and white, just like the show itself. It’s life with training wheels.
Contrast Beaver’s life with plausible plots from our reality:

  • Little Suzie gets smallpox and then dies (“Suzie’s Bad Day”).
  • Frank is at work when he feels an earthquake. He makes his way home, but he’s too late—a tsunami has swept away his entire town, including his family (“Frank’s Bad Day”).
  • Jamey is tormented by homophobic bullying in school and online. He hangs himself at age 14 (“Jamey’s Bad Day”—a true story).

The Christian demands, “Aren’t you the arrogant one? You think you can tell God how to arrange the universe?” But of course that’s not the question. We don’t take God as a presupposition and then rearrange the facts to support it. Instead, we just follow the facts. And this world certainly looks like a world without a god.

The best thing about believing in a crazy, illogical,
manmade, totally fictional afterlife
is that you will never find out you were wrong. 
— Ricky Gervais

(This is an update of a post that originally appeared 7/8/13.)
Photo credit: Wikipedia
 

The Leaky Noah’s Ark Tale (2 of 2)

Noah Ark Genesis Bible I’ve collected a few other ideas associated with the Noah story that were too good to pass up. I share them here for your amusement and edification. Part 1 of the critique is here.
Noah … or was it Enoch?
In The Reason-Driven Life (p. 103), Robert Price argues that the original flood story wasn’t about Noah at all.
First, a bit of background about the Old Testament prophet Elijah. Elijah may have initially been a sun god who gradually evolved into merely a great prophet as Judaism became monotheistic (more on Jewish polytheism here). Instead of dying, Elijah was taken into heaven on a fiery sun-like chariot. He was hairy, like the rays of the sun, while his disciple Elisha was bald, suggesting the moon.
There was only one other Old Testament figure taken into heaven without dying, and that was Enoch, great-grandfather to Noah and pictured above. Enoch also began as a sun god, and he lived 365 years (get it?). “Enoch walked with God, and then he disappeared because God took him away” (Genesis 5:24). Enoch made 365 circuits with God and then was taken up into heaven—sounds a bit like the sun.
Noah was originally just the bringer of wine, similar to the Greek Deucalion, who also survived a flood. Gen. 5:29 alludes to Noah’s discovery of wine bringing some comfort to the harsh life that God cursed humanity to. Perhaps the original story was about a sun god defeating a rain god’s flood, but the name of the protagonist was inadvertently switched (Noah instead of Enoch—the spelling is similar), giving us Noah as the hero.
What was going through God’s mind?
Here’s how God begins the project.

[Jehovah] regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. So [Jehovah] said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” (Gen. 6:6–7)

God regrets? God changes his mind? As an omniscient being, why didn’t he see this coming? Speaking of which, why would omniscient God allow Noah’s son Ham to survive the flood since he would be progenitor of the Canaanites (Gen. 10:6–20) who would cause the Israelites so much trouble? Far easier and far more humane than killing the Canaanites tribe by tribe would’ve been to kill Ham.
But in the early days, of course, God was merely powerful, not omniscient. And not particularly benevolent either.
Rick Warren imagines God saying this about Noah, “This guy brings me pleasure. He makes me smile. I’ll start over with his family.” And of course “start over” to this cheerful and genial God means to drown every human outside of Noah’s family—adults, children, and unborn. I wonder what the children could have done to deserve this slow death. Perhaps you can buy drowning people to go with the Noah action figure. Warren’s article is titled, “May God Smile On You,” but for the millions in the Noah story who die, it might as well be titled, “May God Smite You.”
Robert Price says that Warren takes the Bible literally but not seriously. Warren says that the Noah story literally happened, but he’s not about to take it seriously enough to worry about or even consider the consequences.
This reminds me of a Sherman’s Lagoon comic. A guy finds what he thinks is a piece of Noah’s Ark. He’s excited until his friend spots “Made in China” stamped on it. The guy is disappointed, but not because this is devastating counterevidence to his hypothesis. He’s just disappointed to discover that Noah outsourced construction. Like Rick Warren, he won’t let the facts get in the way of his happy hypothesis.
Other Christians aren’t caught in this trap, and they laugh at the Bible literalists. Of course the Noah story isn’t literally true, they’ll say, but it’s still true anyway. But then in what sense is it “true anyway” without being true a literal sense?
The beautiful, benign rainbow
At the end of the flood story, God says, “I will place my bow in the clouds, and it will become a guarantee of the covenant between me and the earth” (Gen. 9:13). Never again will God destroy all living things—by flood, anyway. The “bow in the clouds” is obviously a rainbow, but the word refers to the kind that shoots arrows. This explains why the rainbow looks like a war bow—God has hung up his bow and will no longer use it against mankind.
What started this off in the first place?
What got God so hot under the collar anyway? Why did he insist on drowning everyone and starting over? One pastor has it all figured out.

The last straw for God before He brought the flood was when they started writing wedding songs to homosexual marriage and Jesus said that you’ll know the end times because it will be like the days of Noah. There’s never been a time in the history of the world since before the flood when homosexual marriage has been open and celebrated, and that’s another sign that I believe that we’re close to the end.

As you guessed, like most everything else bad in the world, it’s all the gays’ fault.

[God’s] not good at design, 
he’s not good at execution. 
He’d be out of business 
if there was any competition. 
— Sol Hadden in Carl Sagan’s Contact

(This is an update of a post that originally appeared 7/4/13.)
Photo credit: Wikipedia